So, like many people, I am in therapy. Part of my "treatment plan" consists of journaling. I am starting here. In life I am pretty much an open book, so I understand that one day someone or more than just someone I know will see this. That's ok. You were probably curious, anyway, if you ended up here.
I created this blog originally to document my exposure therapy as I started a sort of new chapter - and that was a new job, finally moving out of an unfamiliar and crappy town, back to the general area I lived in before, closer to my kids. My kids. That is a topic I will visit regularly. We don't have your traditional type of life, my kids and I. Not since "the bad guy" happened. More on that later.
So being my first post, I'll do the dreaded "about me" and "this is who I am thing" er, yeah, something like that. First, before anything, I am a mom. When I was a kid I used to tell my mother that I was never going to have babies. The thought was terrifying to me. But I was meant to be a mom. My kids are the most amazing creations on earth. Every decision I make in life, I consider them first.
I am pretty much a loner. I have a few people I consider friends/family. I have a large amount of amazing acquaintances. That's mostly my fault, because I know some great people, but I'm not social enough to get to know them all as well as I could. In my 20's and early 30's I was a social butterfly, even though I have always been a very shy person. Alcohol was my liquid courage back then. But I haven't drank alcohol in about 2 1/2 years. More on that in other posts, I'm sure.
Aside from working from home, I have about one friend I see in person regularly, and I suspect that's because we live so close to each other. I've had a couple of friends visit since I moved back, but I definitely do need to work on my friendships and now that I'm out and about more, go see people. We go to the grocery store a lot, and the mall. We went to see a movie the other day. I'm trying.
So, next question is probably "what's this chick diagnosed with?"
It's simple really. The same shit most Americans are plagued with. I think to some extent we all have some form of PTSD as a result of SOMETHING that took place either because of or during the pandemic. My PTSD is more involved. As a DV survivor and also a survivor of things I may or may not speak of, I'm also an advocate for people who are going through what I have gone through. If anything, maybe through my stories, someone will find the courage to break free, as well.
I also have generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, and SURPRISE major depressive disorder. I think at one point in my life I had BPD (borderline personality disorder). However, after tons of psych evaluations over the years, and asking my psych over and over about it, she does not agree that I have that, but my oldest daughter does. Unfortunately, mentall illness is something I have known my whole life. Not only did I grow up watching my mother suffer from panic attacks and agoraphobia, but she also tried to take her life when I was a young girl. I remember visiting her in the psych hospital. The type I'd end up a few times in my life against my will. Usually over bullshit. I'm a hyponchondriac who fears death. I'm not taking my life anytime soon. There was one time. But that's also, for another time. Only a few people in the world know. And I'll just say this: I did it because once upon a time, my kids were literally ripped from my arms. And I endured pure HELL for years. But that's enough for now.
